Coexistere

16.

2010-03-24T10:24:00.001-04:00

I was with someone from the end of my freshman year in high school up until this past summer before I left for school. I think I was a stupid, lovestruck teen who could see no fault in him because we'd been together for so long and he made me feel like nobody else ever had (granted I was only 14 and there was not much chance to be swept off my feet before that). Now, at 18, we finally broke it off because I couldn't trust him while I was away and I was sick and tired of all of his bull. He was a liar, a cheat, and he treated me like dirt. I'm still hearing about girls he had sex with while we were together, months and months after we broke up for good. However naive this sounds, I still loved him through all of that. Maybe I was delusional, but I know I'm not the only one. I know that millions of people love those who treat them like crap, so I know there must be another reason.

At the end of my senior summer, I met a boy at a party through my best friend and we hit it off immediately. We kept speaking after we had both gone off to separate schools hours away from eachother, I visited him (and my best friend who goes to the same school) and we started dating shortly thereafter. I was skeptical about the whole long distance thing, but it's been working amazingly and I'm happier than I've ever been. He's an incredibly genuine person who would never do anything to hurt me, he loves every second of me, and he lets me know that as often as possible. We spent Thanksgiving and all of winter break together and he just recently came to visit me at my school. I'm not afraid to say I've fallen in love with him, and I don't throw that around.

The problem is that I'm on break right now, and he's not. I'm in my hometown.. and so is my ex. Now that I don't have my boyfriend to see every day or think about while I'm at school, I can't stop thinking about my ex. He's moved on as well and is in a "committed" relationship with another girl, but he's already cheated on her. Everyone talks about how they're never apart and they're so in love, and I'm surprised at how much it hurts to hear that. Even though I can openly admit that I'm in love with my boyfriend, it feels wrong to hear that he's in love with someone else too. I haven't seen him since I've been home, but I've found myself in places that we always used to go together or outside of where he works (not to stalk him, a lot of my friends conveniently either work with him or work / hang out in the shopping center surrounding where he works). When I'm not talking to my boyfriend, I'm thinking about my ex. I think about walking into his job and just talking to him, even though I swore I wanted nothing to do with him after winter break when he was an especially shitty person to both me and his girlfriend. I think about asking him if he wants to grab dinner and catch up or go to the beach we always went to together at night when nobody else was there. I did all of my growing up with him and I've watched him grow up too. I know every inch of him and his mind and he knows every thought inside my head. People hated it, but we were in love and there is nobody that could tell me otherwise. I miss him like crazy, even though he was a total shitbag to me and everyone else he ever came in contact with. He really has changed so much and has told me that he misses me. He even straight up said that he would leave who he was with now if I gave him another chance the last time I was home, but I don't know if anything would ever be enough for me to forgive him.

I just wanted to know if there was anybody in the same situation that could tell me what the hell to do, because I've never been more confused in my life. I know that I hate him, but I still love him. I love my boyfriend and he treats me like gold, but I think about my ex more often than I should. I'm in love with both of them, they're just two very, very different kinds of love. All I want is to stop thinking about him. It makes me sick, even though I know I'm going places he'll never go and seeing things he'll never see. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if it was me in his girlfriend's position and if I would still be happy with the lifestyle he's chosen. I don't want to think about him anymore because there shouldn't be a reason to. I have what every girl begs for, but I'm having so much trouble enjoying it because I've been thinking about my ex so much. When I'm with my boyfriend, nobody else exists. But when I'm alone, I wish I was laying next to someone else. What do I do?

15.

2010-02-11T09:16:00.001-05:00

"im afraid this is all going to sound really stupid when i type it out. well im 19 but a couple years ago i was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety, i was on meds but didnt like them and they made me a zombie, so i stopped. well now its getting worse, my parents got divorced, which killed me. i don't have access to my car anymore, and nowhere to really go anyway, so im just stuck inside alone all day and i really shouldnt be left with my thoughts. i know i need to go out and get a job and get back in school, because i feel as though im wasting my life. but i have no motivation to do any of this. i'm in the biggest slump ive ever been in. my life has changed so much for the worst these past two years, and i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. sometimes i feel like id be better off gone, and i know id be missed but sometimes i convince myself i wouldn't be at all. i want to be the girl i used to be, outgoing, and fun. and now i can barely go into a store without feeling soo self conscious almost to the point that i hate even leaving my house, but then i also have this fear that if i don't meet some new people i'll be alone forever, and ive already had a boy, and a girl break my heart last year. sorry that was so long. but yeah...oh and i love the idea of Coexistere, you guys are doing a great thing. <3"

14.

2010-02-11T09:15:00.001-05:00

"so I have this friend, ***, and she used to be such a good friend. we would talk about everything and I even got her some 3oh!3 autographs for her birthday cuz she told me she loved them and when I give them to her she's just like "oh, they're old idont like them anymore" so I'm just upset about that because it's really hard to be able to meet them again cuz they've just gotten to famous and now you gotta pay for a meet and greet at their concerts. and also another thing is, me and her would hang out all the time! and now, since she joined the "popular" group at school(I really don't like that group cuz they're stuck up and think they're the shit when they're not), she's been ditching me all the time, she says all my opions are stupid or that she doesn't care. or I'll be talking to her and shell just cut me off and talk to someone else. and sometimes I just walk off without her but she gets mad at me for not waiting for her, but she never waits for me
and she's never really done anything nice for me and I'm really getting annoyed with her. and before she joined the popular group, she would tell me how much she hated them and how stuck up they are and how cool they are and now she acts just like them. and we made our own group with two other friends called "fuck the cool group" and we would pretty much just scream it outloud as a joke and now she joined it and is saying how it's now stupid. so I'm just really confused and annoyed by her and wish she were back to the way she was again. sorryyy if this is kinda long...but it really bugs me to think that she's the 2nd close friend I've lost this year"

13.

2010-02-10T22:14:00.001-05:00

"Over the past week I told one of my friends I liked them, to my surprise I found out that she likes me as well. Things seemed to be going great and may be they are and it's just my self consciousness and insecurities setting in. I probably should take a step back before I continue shouldn't I?

Back in 2002 - 2003 I dated this girl named ***. Things were great, I mean really great no one could bring us down or anything. But our relationship wasn't based on liking each other for our personalities or who we were. Ok maybe that's a lie, there was probably a small part of us that liked each other for who we were, but our relationship eventually went down south with in about 3 to 4 months. It went from spending time together to messing around all the time it never got to the point of sex, but ultimately our relationship got destroyed from all of this. PDA got out of control, and friends didn't want to be around us a lot of the time. Eventually we obviously broke up because she cheated on me. Long story short with that we were suppose to hang out, she ignored my phone calls and then later that day I caught her at the mall with some guy where she admitted she had cheated on me with him. We went a few months of not talking and then got back in touch. It remained like that for years and we would hook up every now and then to (me being too stupid to see she was using me). Now up to Jan. last year a potential relationship I had with some one fell through, I stopped caring and week later I was in bed with ***. I didn't care, I was thinking, I just wanted the satisfaction of feeling good plus I thought I was taking advantage of her it was the other way around. We didn't speak since until I found out from my cousin that she was trash talking me, my body, saying I was an awful person. I then also found out from one of her friends that she lied to me about her and her bf were broken up. I was furious, sent her a message on facebook telling her never to speak to me again I had enough with her BS. A few unkind words were sent back and forth and we haven't spoke since (this was back in June). This now brings me up to, today.

As I said before both this girl and I like each and there's a potential relationship. Her and her now ex-bf broke up last week, shortly after we told each other that we like one another. She told me not to worry about him, because if he's not willing to make it work she isn't either and she won't be there for him if he comes running back. Now one of my biggest concerns with her was entering the "friend zone" which I was very open about with her. She told me to just give her time which she knows I understand. Then out of no where all because she commented on my status on fb this other guy commented on (plus we have a friend in common) he friend requested her. I took them commenting on each other statuses as flirting but I could be wrong. But in the end I got really insecure and upset/jealous. I even talked to her that day saying I was afraid of messing things up between us and she told me I wouldn't and that I don't have to worry. I've gotten passed that but I feel as if things are changing I've felt like she might not feel the same ever since the friend request thing, our convo about me messing up.

We've talked everyday since we found out about liking each other (last sunday or monday I think it was) and we talked all day this past Sunday. Maybe were growing tired of talking to each other and need some distance? I don't know what to do honestly, I'm tired of feeling upset over this. It sits like an awful pit feeling in my stomach. More and more I'm starting to think distance/space is the answer as I had mentioned before. What do you make of all of this? I'm tired of this pain/fear."

12.

2010-02-10T20:38:00.001-05:00

"I'm going through a rough spot in my friendship with my friend ****. We were really tight since about March of 2009 to about August of 2009.

I don't know what happened, but we stopped texting each other all the time and we also stopped hanging out.

I might be blocking out what really might've happened, but I honestly can't recall what did.

She was my definition of a best friend, and now she barely talks to me. We went for about 4 months with on and off communication.

Her friend *Julie* took my place and now they always hang out 24/7. She used to complain about Lauren some times. But I guess now she's okay with her?

I just recently took the initiative in trying to start conversations with her. I tried texting her a few times after school saying, "hey!" but she'd never respond.

When I would ask later about the earlier text, she'd say something like, "oh. I didn't get it." I know she's lying... cause well, that just doesn't happen that often.

I've been texting her saying "Goodnight" for about 3 nights now. She would never respond. Not once.

It's really killing me because I truly miss her but I have a lot of doubts that she misses me.

Earlier on, about a month ago she facebook messaged me and started a conversation.

Now, I'm trying everything to connect with her again and she won't give me a passing glance.

I feel like there's something wrong with me because I can't have really close friends that I hang out with ALL of the time.

She was that one person that I had no complaints about.

She actually hugged me every time I saw her.

It sounds lame as fuck, but I don't normally get hugs.

I'm sorry if this was lengthy.

Thank you so much for reading this.

You have no idea how much I appreciate it

<3"

11.

2010-02-08T23:28:00.000-05:00

“so there are lots of things i could use some help with i’m 18, 12th grade but i’ll try not to like, write a novel d: try to not be very wordy and keep it fact but not everything obviously. my family has been told since i was in 3rd grade that i need mental help, that i need to talk to somebody. and they let it go till 8th grade i got caught at school for severe self injury that i successfully hid for about a year. between 10 grade and now i’ve attempted suicide twice in the midst of full-blown insane mental-breakdowns. i can’t control my emotions. either i’m ridiculously depressed which makes me isolate myself from people. or i’m ridiculouslyh yper and annoying and it pushes people away. i have pretty much no friends anymore. my family, i don’t care what anyone says, they’re different, they truly do not give a damn. i’ve been binge/purging since 10th grade and my mom said to me in 11th “i hope you burn a gaping hole in your throat” and i convinced her it was just that once because i didn’t feel well after eating. i was 250 in the beginning. the 145. not i’m 170 from trying to get “healthy” on my own. i totally and completely feel nothing but pure unadulterated loathing for myself. i’m obese, i’m ugly, i have no talent, there’s not a single thing i’m pleased with. ejbfvlsjdbvsvbldfloh i just want to know how to be happy T-T”

(continued)

“thing with “parents” is that my mom moved out over a year ago and i never knew my father and i wouldn’t want to burdon my grandparents like that >_< and i can’t talk to my mom about my emotions because she’s been to jail and rehab recently so thinks she knows what she’s talking about mentally. i also can’t trust her with my vulnerability because when i was 8 she drove under the influence and fucked up my nose for life in an accident. never apologized. then when i was 12 she was driving drunk and slammed my side of the car into a tree at high speed, didn’t come to see if i was okay, didn’t acknowledge me, but just scrambled to get rid of her empty liquor bottle. again never apoligized, or asked if i was okay -_- no one cares. people think i’m over-exaggerating when i say no one does care about me in real life.”

10.

2010-02-08T23:21:00.002-05:00

“my grandma passed away um about a week ago….28/01/10 and well all my friends were there with me, and if they couldn’t they called me, and they were all really supportive. The only one who didn’t even call was my bff =( …she just send me a text saying she was with me at <3, and idk I thought she might have been to busy to go…or call..even if a call is just a min if she wants, anyway…point is that after a few days I found out she didn’t do anything that day, she wasn’t busy at all. She didn’t even cared that this is the fist time a fam member soo close to me dies, and now she thinks I’m being all bleh with her because she is dating a new guy (idk I guess she thinks I’m jealous or something baah!) point is, I don’t know how to tell her, or even if I should tell her, now that is to late to be there for me. thanks for listening =)”

9.

2010-02-08T23:21:00.001-05:00

“SO, okay. to start this off- i am an extremely self conscious person and i complain to my friends all the time about how i feel that i am fat and need to lose weight and how i’m ugly and they probably want to slap me across the face most of the time. i have a horrible reputation with people that sometimes i don’t even know that well at all. people think i’m ‘weird’ or a ‘creeper’ but i don’t really care because i don’t know them and have never talked to them before so how can they really justify thinking that? i guess that’s how i see it. i worry about what other people think alllllll the time and i really wish i wasn’t like that. i have been trying to lose weight for a really long time even though people don’t think i need to- but i want to so it can be easier for me to live my life the way i want it and to be happy with who i am, which i am not. i have always been teased. i look back at who i was and i’m SO happy that i’ve changed. my life is good from an outsiders perspective. people have attempted to call me ‘perfect’ but i shoot that down and get a little upset when people think that. my brother has been into alcohol, smoking, and he’s recently done heroin. i don’t want to lose him because i honestly don’t know what’d i’d do if he was in my life. my older sister is not like me whatsoever. she is a lot shorter and is pretty and confident and is thin. she is divorced with a child and has had tons of boyfriends. i know i don’t want to be like that when i’m older. however i would like to be more confident. my parents irk me to no end sometimes and i’ve debated moving out many times. i went to a counselor when i was innn 7th grade because i was having suicidal thoughts and my doctor thought i was going to hurt myself- i love life, and i am glad that i am alive i would never be able to kill myself. ever. ever ever. my sister teases me for being ‘so awkward’ and ‘dorky’ all the time. i like being dorky but i try my best to not be awkward (lol). i am so afraid of making my parents ashamed of me- but they have been so overbearing that i am afraid to do ANYTHING that would upset them in the slightest way so i live a very cautious life which sucks and frustrates me a lot. i want to go to college and live a good life but i am addicted to the computer and i get not that great grades because i don’t put enough time into studying. i am trying my hardest to lose weight, get good grades and get out of here as fast as i can- but i am constantly reminded ‘dont wish your life away’ and i am scared of dying too young and not being able to do anything. i really hope that this next part you don’t laugh at because i feel stupid and like a little kid.- i have a ‘crush’ on ******. and it’s ridiculous. i tweet him way too much and stickam i get soooo nervous for nothing. my sister told me that i’m having a ‘fake friendship’ and ‘maybe he’s just being nice’ and ‘it’s just over the internet’ my mom tells me ‘you can’t live a fake life’ (as in internet). i hate that i have been this way and i’ve been getting a lot better. and right now i feel like i’ve been super annoying and i’m really truly sorry. this is a super long email but i’m almost done. i’m really annoyed with myself about all the time and i wish i could just drop 30 pounds and be who i really want to be. i have never been lucky with boys. i haven’t kissed a guy. i’ve had two ‘relationships’ one in 9th grade, one in 7th they both lasted about 2 days. i’ve tried to swear off “love” until college but i’m starting to think that there’s no one out there for me.i just have to get through high school because i hate it. i hate people who think drinking and doing drugs is ‘cool’ or just people who are ruining their lives by doing it now. i know that some of this has just been me telling you about myself. but it’s venting because i need to get all this out. i want to restart and ‘reinvent’ myself the best i can. i want to be myself.

thank you SO much if you hung in and read this all :) thankyouthankyouthankyou”

8.

2010-02-08T23:20:00.004-05:00

“Dear Coexistere,

So there’s this girl I’ve had feelings for a few years now. She claims shes “Bi”, but I’m not quite sure how true that is… I myself dont really put a label on what i am, I like what I like. Im not very open about it, but my friend knows this..the one i have a HUGE crush on. Anyways, shes my best friend and seriously almost every guy wants her. Since we’re best friends all the boys come to me for advice on how to get her, and its ironic cause i wish i knew how to do that myself. haha. She drives me crazy, shes sooo pretty, and is perfect in every way. just seeing her or talking to her makes my entire day (: But at the same time, she makes me so sad, confused, and frustrated… I’m scared cause i want her so badly and i feel like i can NEVER admit it to her. Im afraid of ruining of what we have as of right now. And everytime im with her its like my insides are buring cause i dont know what to do, i just want to kiss her. i dont want to feel this way but i cant help it. I’d do anything just to know if i even have a chance, and its like everyday my feelings get stronger and stronger… so someone please help me, what do i do!?..cause this situation sucks. ): -thanks”

7.

2010-02-08T23:20:00.003-05:00

“Well my cousin was dating this girl for I think 9 months and over that time I became really good friends with her. They just broke up a month or 2 ago and she still isn’t over him. Now I’m being blamed for the reason he wont even consider being her friend. I honestly don’t know what I did but apparently it’s all my fault. He told her that the way I talk about her is the reason when all I’ve ever said about her were good things so that makes no sense. Well almost everyday she tells me she is going to kill herself if they cant even be friends and is basically putting the blame of that on me too. So now I’m gonna be the reason for someone killing themselves. Ever since this whole thing started I have been really depressed and scared everyday that it will be the day that she finally just does it. People tell me that I shouldn’t even talk to her for doing this to me but it is so hard to just give up on your best friend especially when I’m the one to blame for it all, and well honestly she is about the only friend I have left so without her I’ll basically have nothing. Then when I try and get help from people they just get mad at me cause I’m too depressed to talk to. I really don’t know what to do anymore any advice?”

6.

2010-02-08T23:20:00.001-05:00

“One of my best friends started dating my ex-boyfriend behind my back. I don’t know why I’m so upset about this or if I even have the right to be because I broke up with him first. I’m also mad at my friend for starting this relationship. I was kind of in a tight group with them and I can’t really talk to anyone about it because they don’t want to choose sides. I told her i forgave her but i just don’t think my heart is in the friendship anymore. I keep making up excuses for why I can’t hang out with her and I think she’s starting to catch on. It doesn’t help that she keeps asking me if I’m still mad. I feel immature hanging on to feelings like this but it’s really bothering me.

thank you for listening to my problem.”

5.

2010-02-08T23:19:00.003-05:00

“about a year ago, my parents had come clean to my brother and i about what they were doing every monday night. they were seeing a marriage councilor. why were they doing this? they were going because my mom had cheated on my dad. this was a huge shock for all of my family. one of the worst parts was that i knew they whole family of the guy my mom had an affair with. some time went by everyday was getting a little less awkward with knowing what my mom did. i cried a little less each day. eventually my mom and the guy broke up & my dad started dating. a couple weeks ago my dad and i were out at breakfast and he had told me a few things. he had me look in the mail for a while for a letter he sent out without a stamp. he didn’t tell me what it was for or any details about it. just to not let my mom see it. he told me at breakfast that it was their marriage certificate… he was ready to start the divorce process with my mom. when i heard this, my heart and stomach dropped as if i were on a roller coaster. i never pictured this happening. to make this all worse, he also told me that she did NOT just cheat on him with the one guy, but many guys… for about 6 years. everything i thought about my mom changed. i really can’t trust her as much anymore. now that this is all happening, since i’m only 13, i can’t decide where to live. (my brother is 16 and he is stay with my dad at all times, not even staying with my mom ever. & even if he did, he would just drive away anyways.) my parents now have to work out a schedule with me and where i live, what weekend i see them and all that fun stuff. this whole situation is a great start to 2010. this year, i know for a fact, will be VERY eventful. my dad wants my mom out of our house by april. everything within our household is just insane right now. all of my feelings made me insomniac & i stay up until 3 and get up at 6. i’m always tired, yet i can’t sleep. i’m not really eating much anymore & i just feel all awkward around people now. i cannot wait for this all to be done with. everything heals with time.”

4.

2010-02-08T23:19:00.001-05:00

“hey girl!…just wanted 2 say that love, robot is amaziing!!!!..u guys rock my socks!…haha…and ugh! my friend like 4 real is being a b%@!$ i mean..she is like crazyy…so i guess we are not friends anymore…but i was upset because we were like really good friends..then she decides 2 cuzz me out and blame me 4 her problems and im like screw this ya no?…i dont think i can deal with her anymore…and i mean i know in like 3 days she will text me…but i dont wanna talk 2 her…wow…ok i’m sorry…i just needed 2 vent because when i needed my friends they pretty much turned there backs on me…so when u put ur email up i was like i can vent 2 alexa…haha! :) <33 ha! i dont know if you will actually lik care about this but just sending it knowing some1 will get it and maybe read it is nice!…. :) so pretty much my friends r not the best….i need 2 find new friends!!! haha…ok this was funn!!!! <333333”

3.

2010-02-08T23:18:00.006-05:00

“did you have a good relationships with your parents?

Cause my mom is bi polar and i have to take the role of the parent which i dont think is fair cause im only 19…and ive told myu family that im moving out and everyone thinks that i should stay with her.

What do you think?”

2.

2010-02-08T23:18:00.005-05:00

“So have you ever been in a situation where as hard as you try you always have this little part of you that still likes her alot. It makes the situation worse when she’s my best friend I’m getting over her but she loves to send mixed signals. Right now I’m just ignoring that fact but it’s hard to get over her completely when you don’t even kno hurt true feelings. I feel like she only tells me what she wants me to hear to make me feel better. Idk & then there’s this other person who is completely out of my league probably doesn’t know I exsist because we’ve only talked here and there. It’s nothing major, just a crush. But I don’t know If I should give up on it. Any Advice ?

Thanks”

1.

2010-02-08T23:18:00.003-05:00

“Well I come from a Hispanic background and so most of my aunts and uncles and parents listen to hispanic music. all my cousins grew up hanging around other hispanics and they all started to listen to hip hop and R&B and rap an music like that. my cousins also don’t care much for their schoolwork and they honestly don’t care if they fail. I’ve personaly never liked to hang out with the hispanics at my school because all they talk about are drugs and they cause to much drama. I like to hang out with every ethnicity and it doesn’t bother me. after hanging with them alot, I started to like rock music, and started to go away from all the rap and hip hop. I like it so much better now. I also like to do all my schoolwork and I feel horrible if I don’t get it done on time. and it bothers me when my cousins make fun of me for liking rock music and how it’s stupid when alot of the songs I like end up becoming popular and on radios everywhere. I hate being called a nerd for trying to do all my schoolwork and actually trying to get into college and have a good job. and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. sorry that it’s a long email but I don’t know who to tell If my family thinks I’m a freak and my close friends at school wouldn’t understand”

coexistere

2010-02-08T23:18:00.001-05:00

People need one another, we need to co-exist to maintain sanity. Sometimes in desperation, even the most independent of people realize they need to talk to someone; at least to help them through this particular difficult time. It doesn’t necessarily matter who, just someone that is willing to listen and actually give you advice and careful thought from the bottom of their hearts. People that too feel, we need to lean on one another.

This is completely anonymous, run by a group of people who feel what you feel. We’re here to try and help you with whatever we can. We’ll post the emails we get on here (with each persons permission; anonymously of course, so all of you reading can understand that you’re not alone.

email anything to coexistere@gmail.com